When you want to lose control badly...

I've been known to have a short fuse on my temper. When I'm angry, I always sin. I'm not being proud of this, but I'm just stating a fact and it's something I'm trying to get over. When I say sin, I'm not saying that I go ahead and kill the person I'm angry at or demolish the thing that made me angry. It's the thoughts that circle around my head and the profane words in my head that's making me sin. I believe that the thoughts that you have when you are angry are most damning than throwing temper tantrums.

I'm not sure if a lot of people have experienced this feeling when you just want to let go, when you just want to give in to your senses, or when you simply just stopped thinking about wrong or right so that you can just act on your anger but your responsible self is keeping you from doing it and it becomes a tug of war. A tug war of to do or not to do. Many times I have been tempted to let my inner bitch loose and be a loud-mouthed, insult-mouthing, esteem-destroyer monster. But then, a white light would descend over the red haze and would make me see reason and all of sudden my responsible self would kick in. Would you follow the animal in you or would you be the human that God created you for?

If I were to act on my monster-self, the first I would do is belittle the person as much as possible. I want to make them feel that they are nothing but garbage and scums of the earth. That their mothers wasted the labor they poured in carrying a child that's not even worth to be born with. A child who turned out to be a delusional pathological liar, cheat, backstabber, gossip monger, emotionally retarded, immoral and among others. Second, I will make sure to destroy their lives. Make them lose their jobs. Let them suffer that all they see around them is famine and poverty. Third, since they are so miserable, I'll make sure that they'll want to end their life and once it's ended, I will make sure that I send wilted flowers and a death metal band to play in their wake. Of course I have to attend their funeral and I will be wearing a bloody red gown that will make look like a receptionist for Hades.

But alas, the responsible self kicks in and I'm just left to thinking when Karma disguised as lightning will strike them. I told you thoughts are uglier than actions.

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